The Secret Diary of Gimli, son of Gloin
by Barley Shadow
Summary: Gimli's diary, written during the movie, movies. Including Gimli's opinions of other members of the Fellowship, and Galadriel, of course.
1. The Fellowship of the Ring

I do not own Gimli, or anything from the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  
  
The Secret Diary of Gimli, son of Gloin  
  
Day one  
  
Argh. Stupid elf.  
  
Day one (again)  
  
Rivendell, a place I've always wanted to visit, if only for a holiday, mines of Moria can be quite dark sometimes. Even if Rivendell is full of poncy Elves.  
  
Day two  
  
Boromir already wants the Ring. There's two things he wants, Ring and Aragorn. I can see it already.  
  
Day four  
  
Ug.  
  
Day five  
  
Legolas, son of Thranduil? They don't even begin with the same letter! That's not right, not right at all. Not like Gimli, son of Gloin, or maybe even Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but Gimli of Gloin sounds better. Thranduil? Pffft.  
  
Day seven  
  
I think Boromir is a pervert, he always wants the hobbits be stay together. Hobbit porn! Hobbit porn!  
  
Day eleven  
  
We shouldn't climb the mountain, my legs are too short for mountain-climbing. And if we go through the mines I'll be able to get some sunblock from cousin Balin, I knew I'd forget something.  
  
Day twelve  
  
I think I'm losing my Dwarvilinity. Boromir thinks Aragorn is very masculine, not Dwarviline, he doesn't like Dwarviline, that's Dwarvish that is. Now Boromir's rolling about on the floor with Merry and Pippin, what is Middle-Earth coming to?  
  
Day twelve (again)  
  
Aragorn's beginning to piss me off now, he's always the superior one, 'oh yes, I'm eighty whatever and I'm Man and I'm son of Arathorn, one of the Dunedain, blah blah blah.' Never heard of you pal. The only reason he's not up his own ass is because Boromir's already up it.  
  
Day thirteen  
  
Or, I think to myself, as we stroll up Caradhras, what about cross-breeding? Half Elf half Dwarf, or half Wizard half Orc? Half Hobbit half Ent? And then in later generations there could be quarter Orc, quarter Hobbit, quarter Elf, quarter Ent. Personally, I wouldn't like breeding with a tree though.  
  
Day thirteen (again)  
  
Ah ha! Frodo says we should go through the mines of Moria. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Gandalf!  
  
Day fifteen  
  
Thought it was a while since we got a Christmas card from the Moria folks. They're dead.  
  
Day sixteen  
  
If there's one person in the Fellowship holding us up it is Aragorn. It took him nearly three hours to perfect his 'just got out of bed' look this morning, not helped by the fact that there's no mirrors or light in Moria. But he refused to go on without having his rugged and manly look sorted out. But, he does look quite rugged and manly, which is turning Boromir on, I can see it. So we might be held up for some time while they do their man things.  
  
Day eighteen  
  
When spending so much time with the same sex, the thoughts begin to cross one's mind are, naturally, homosexual ones. I wonder what any of the others think?  
  
Day nineteen  
  
Alright, alright. Maybe the mine idea wasn't the greatest I've ever had, not like the cross-breeding one.  
  
Day twenty one  
  
Gandalf fell off Khazad-dum. More of a hindrance than a help, now we've got to stop for a cry on the mountain-side. Everyone knows he turns up in the next movie.  
  
Day twenty five  
  
Met Haldir, taking us to Lord Celeborn and Galadriel, Lady of Light, in Caras Galadhon, wonder who she is.  
  
Day twenty five (again)  
  
So maybe I haven't got the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox, so what?  
  
Day twenty six  
  
If I cross-bred myself with Galadriel I would have made the perfect being. Golden hair, sparkly eyes, just what a dwarf looks for.  
  
Day twenty nine  
  
Aragorn says we must leave Caras Galadhon, what a bastard. I don't think she likes Legolas anymore, ever since he took a bath in her 'mirror' she's been really touchy towards him.  
  
Day thirty  
  
Boromir is gay. I think the games for encouragement he plays are just covering up for illicit spanking games. I will not be part of this, pervertion!  
  
Day thirty two  
  
Lembas? Elvish waybread? Could fill the stomachs of a full grown man, I don't think so! I've eaten six so far, that's even beating Pippin, (he's still on four.)  
  
Day thirty two (again)  
  
Maybe Lembas bread wasn't the best thing to eat. Argh. Some Dwarvishness coming back! I feel inspired!  
  
Day thirty two (again)  
  
Three hairs from her golden head. I'd rather have the daggers she gave the Hobbits. Now when we're attacked by Orcs, or worse, Uruk-hai, I can wave her hair at them, and they will magically recoil in pain!  
  
Day thirty five  
  
Sailing down the river Legolas is braiding my hair, if we hadn't been in the same boat, for fear of drowning, I would have shoved Horn of Gondor right up his. . . Horn of Gondor? What's that doing in our boat?  
  
Day thirty six  
  
Of course, Boromir is sharing a boat with Frodo and Merry, for reasons unknown (cough cough.) Wonder how he got the long stick? Mmmm, Galadriel. . .  
  
Day thirty seven  
  
Aragorn says these are the statues of the Argonath. They are very tall.  
  
Day thirty nine  
  
Frodo and Sam have wandered off, Boromir's dead, Gandalf's in Shadow, wherever that may be, and Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped! Not looking too bright, is it? Fancy a cup of tea? 


	2. The Two Towers

The Secret Diary of Gimli, son of Gloin (continued)

Day thirty nine (again)

Running.

Day forty

Running.

Day forty one

Running. Up a hill. My favorite place to run, dwarves were not made for sprinting, they were made for sitting, or laying.

Day forty two

I wonder how steep Mount Doom is, can't be as steep as this. Aragorn found an ivy leaf, he thinks he's on the right trail, I think he's off his rocker.

Day forty three

Running.

Day forty four

Running. Oh actually, I beg your pardon, we jogged for a while.

Day forty five

Ran into riders of Rohan (do you like the pun?) They said they slaughtered everyone, and pointed spears in our faces, every so friendly lot. Yippeee!

Day forty five (again)

We don't think Merry and Pippin are dead, Aragorn the Amazing did his magic thing and reckons they've gone into Fangorn Forest. Now we've got to go in there.

Day forty five (again)

It's a shame Boromir isn't here, I've got no one to take the piss out of now. And no one who is prepared to get manfully close so I feel protected.

Day forty seven

Bumped into Gandalf, see? I said he turns up again. So now him and Aragorn have gone off because, apparently, although I don't see it, they're the ones who actually know what we're doing. Which means I'm left with Legolas complaining about a tangle in his hair and a spot on his bum. What does he want me to do about it? Actually, don't answer that.

Day forty eight

Running, again. Well, if you could call it running, we're really on horseback, so they're doing the running for us, which is good. But the chase has evolved, now we know where we're running to, goodie for us!

Day fifty

Heading for Rohan, and Edoras. Would have been nice if somebody told me that. And I do not particularly like riding the horse between Legolas' legs, it is not always comfortable.

Day fifty one

Ah, the Golden Hall of Médúseld. And King Theoden (I almost wrote King Therod then.) Gandalf, in his infamous wisdom (I was being sarcastic there) rightfully returned Theoden to the throne, ridding him of Saruman, which I thought was a jolly nice thing to do. I've also found another very attractive lady, Éowyn.

Day fifty two

Theoden is arguing with Aragorn, I will stay out of it, Aragorn has a horrible temper on him.

Day fifty seven

I do love the Rohan people, and I do love people that walk. So we're on our way to Helm's Deep, Gandalf has buggered off somewhere, but no doubt he has a reason for it, only I wasn't too pleased with the last reason that was an appointment at a hair salon for dying and straightening, but Legolas does seem very attached to his new white hair.

Day fifty seven (again)

Éowyn is quite lovely.

Day fifty eight

Wargs! Legolas is in my bad books, he killed my warg! Oh yeah, and Aragorn fell off the cliff, what did he go and do a stupid thing like that for? But, now I haven't got to listen to the 'I am so wonderful' speech again. Or hear him talk about one day being King, or his fighting skill or the Isildur's heir thing, or the Dunedain thing, so it wasn't a bad day really.

Day fifty nine

Arrived at Helm's Deep and everyone's a little bit excited. Éowyn doesn't like me now Aragorn's fallen into the river. Theoden's getting all the men ready for battle, but they've cornered themselves, but if we're going down, then at least we'll have fun doing it.

Day sixty

Aragorn's back! He's seen Saruman's army and has new determination, even though he slept for seven hours as soon as he came through the door. But I can't complain, I slept for five.

Day sixty one

The Elves have arrived and Aragorn is back to his old bossy way. Then, battle starts, starts? Commences? Hmmm. It's just a shame that I can't see a thing, stupid Elf pick this spot.

Day sixty one (again)

Can't write, too many Uruk-hai. Aaaaaaaaargh!

Day sixty one (again again)

The keep has been broken and Aragorn and me are going to fight! But, I think Aragorn will have to toss me. They couldn't have built the keep a few feet smaller.

Day sixty one (again)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh!!!!!

Day sixty one (again)

We're not doing too bad.

Day sixty two

Look to the east on the second day. Which way's east? Oh, that way. It's Gandalf! How the hell are they going to get down that steep face on horses? I've killed forty Uruk-hai, and am quite proud of myself.

Day sixty two (again)

Battle is over, we won, and I'm tired but I have to have my energy to tell Legolas I killed more Uruk-hai than him, forty three and right now I'm sitting on a dead Uruk, writing my diary, and I must say he's quite comfortable. Retreating Uruk-hai run into the forest? Forest? Who put that there? We didn't come through that!

Day sixty three

Right , Aragorn! Where to now?


End file.
